EB: Giving ’em the business!

Brain dumps from the original Bonehead.

License to ill.

Ok – if you’re looking for an homage to the Beastie Boys you’re in the wrong place.  This is about a different license to ill; the one every teenager wants, the one you have to present when you’re caught misbehaving, and the one that entitles every adult in this country to be as big of an asshole as they want to…  your driver’s license.

It’s hard to explain but something in us changes.  Something about pleather bucket seats and some faux wood paneling makes Joe Schmo think he’s Billy Badass.  Average Jane thinks she’s The Queen Bee. 

Imagine being on foot; unless you’re unfortunately wheelchair-bound that shouldn’t be too hard to do.  As you walk along your merry way you spy someone running towards you – not jogging or trotting, but sprinting.  I say definetly but it’s highly likely that if you can step aside to clear the path you will.  You are not obligated to but it just makes sense to not be there if you don’t have to, right?  Well here’s the thing – once you go from feets to wheels this, somehow, doesn’t happen anymore.

We’ve all seen it.  You’re motoring along your merry way and someone, for some reason, sees fit to pull out in front of you and block your path.  If it makes sense to attempt to avoid a collision it should make sense to attempt to avoid a collision, right? 

Run that by me again?

Say it out loud and you’ll get it.  Look – if not getting run into is a good idea when you’re on foot why is it suddenly alright when you’re piloting a vehicle?  The vehicle you’re driving invariably weighs more than you do on foot, it is traveling faster than you can and it’s capable of inflicting much more total damage.  This phenomenon is totally illogical until you consider that 1) inside a vehicle you’re protected by fenders and seatbelts and airbags and 2) the law says if one motorist should strike another a great financial punishment shall befall them.

So you’re saying it’s ok for THEM to piss US off because if WE do anything about it, we get punished?  What if I start driving around with a paintball rifle?  How about that!

Uh… your silly rabbit ass will end up shot or incarcerated, that’s what.  It’s a simple equation: Regardless if it’s a feeling of security or a feeling of legal entitlement, people are doing it because one way or another they know they can get away with it. 

Unless you hit something or get caught commiting some sort of dangerous/municipally profitable violation, your driving will be free of legal repercussion.  That little plastic card can be used as a permit to be as whimsically assholic as you please and with your windshield to protect you there won’t be the accountability of getting punched in the mouth.  Happy driving!


October 1, 2005 - Posted by | Driving

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