EB: Giving ’em the business!

Brain dumps from the original Bonehead.

Just A Little Tiny Bit Fraudulent.

Around a year or so ago I saw this pretty funny stoner flick called "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle"; a movie featuring, among other things, Doogie Houser like you've never seen him before…  As if the title wasn't a dead giveaway the plot involves our heroes, Harold and Kumar, trying to make their way to White Castle to satisfy a spontaneous but undeniable craving for those tasty little steamed burgers.

You watched that bullshit?

I did.  What can I say – I'm a movie guy.  I was home, it came on, I didn't have anything better to do…  Ok, so as our heroes are embarking upon their quest the encounter resistance from (hit the music) The Bad Guys!!!  I don't know any of their names… probably something like Biff, Chaz, and Duke… whatever, I'll just call them The Bad Guys.  In a nutshell, they were a bunch of testosterone tweaked, macho's with a passion for extreme sports, snack foods with the word extreme in it, and making multi-digit hand/finger signs while screaming out "Extreme!!!" at the top of their lungs.  No, I'm not making this up.

Ok, so as the picture begins to come into focus you can start to see these guys somewhat.  Profiling right?  It's ok, we all do it.  It's all a part of learning and, recognizing patterns is considered one of the signs of intelligence; if every tall guy you met had red hair and you didn't think it odd when you came across a dark-haired guy standing 6'6, there may be something wrong with you.  Anyway, you can see the formation of a basic type here right?  Abercrombie-Lean and wearing jeans bought faded from the store, a "vintage" t-shirt, maybe some sort of wristband or choker, and wool skullcap in the middle of fucking summer…  You with me so far?

Why the hell do MEN wear chokers?

No.  Leave that one alone…  Ok now where was I??  So The Bad Guys are being bad guys and eventually our heroes, 'Roldy and Kumar, end up borrowing their SUV.  Kind of a long story there, but go with it.  The guys pop in a cassette called Extreme Mix or some horseshit like that and, far from what they were expecting, they're then treated to the melodic harmonizing of 90s pop group Wilson Phillips

The three chicks? 

Yes sir, that's right!!  Wilson Phillips!  Check this out – I've met some pretty tough hombres in my time.  Don't ask me why but for some reason "hombre" sound tougher than "guys", "dudes", "fellas", etc…  maybe it's because, in my head, it invokes Sam Elliot's voice and how can THAT be anything but tough?  I'm talking about some rock hard cats here and every last one of them had a soft underbelly.   Guys that secretly dig Celine Dion and chick flicks.  Why was it ok watching Al Pacino or Richard Gere tango in their movies but watching Hulk Hogan dance with his wife on VH1 just felt wrong?

C'mon guys, you know it's happened.  You're on the couch putting some mileage on the clicker and not really paying much attention.  You're distracted.  You snap back in when the phone rings.  You realize you've been watching Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon cry and bitch about their feelings for the past half hour and for some God forsaken reason you can't wait to find out what happens next.  On your phone is one of your boys and instinctively the bass in your voice clicks up about three notches.  Then your eyes spring wide open as you hear the television out of your free ear and, to keep the peace, you reach for the mute button before anyone finds out…

Damn.  Where's Tim Allen when you need him?

-E

May 9, 2006 - Posted by | Random Ramblings

2 Comments »

  1. “testosterone tweaked, macho’s with a passion for extreme sports, snack foods with the word extreme in it, and making multi-digit hand/finger signs while screaming out “Extreme!!!” at the top of their lungs”………Why does this remind me of you??? :oP

    Luv ya!

    Comment by Poca | May 15, 2006 | Reply

  2. yes! i own this movie! on dvd! yes! i love it. especially doogie snorting blow off of some skanks abdomen. it’s a great boredum killer.

    what can i say, i’m easily entertained.

    Comment by nixon | June 15, 2006 | Reply


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