EB: Giving ’em the business!

Brain dumps from the original Bonehead.

What it is and what it ain’t.

This morning there was a discussion on the radio about cheating in relationships.  My usual game of dodgeball became rather involved today so I wasn't able to really focus in on the conversation but it went more or less like this:

Guy DJ: My girlfriend is pissed off at me.
Girl DJ: Why is that?
Guy DJ: Because she says I cheated on her.
Girl DJ: Why would she say something like that??
Guy DJ: Because I slept with someone else.
Girl DJ: Then she's right!!  You did cheat on her!!
Guy DJ: No I didn't, she's only my girlfriend.  It's not cheating until you're married.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can and will be used against you…

Knock it off.  What are you so scared of anyway?

Ever hear of a can of worms?  Does the name Pandora mean anything to you?

Whatever… let's just run this one and see where it goes.  Ok – so this guy's point of argument is 'why is she getting all worked up if she's not my wife?', and his co-host's response to that is 'well duh! because you fucked somebody other than her!'. 

Now, typically, in a battle-of-the-sexes, it's easier for me to see his side than it is to see her's but I'd have to call this one of those rare exceptions.  Conceptually, 'cheating' is kinda like 'working'; it's definition is very much open to individual interpretation.  The line could be drawn at touching or kissing or anywhere else, really.  Depending on who you ask you'll hear answers ranging from 'emotional infidelity is committed by fantasizing about someone else'; whereas others will go so far as to say 'you can do what you want as long as you don't do it with anyone I know and I never have to hear about it', which is basically a variant of the 100-mile rule. 

To be fair, we should leave polyamory out of this because, although you can still cheat in a polyamorous relationship, we're just not comparing apples to apples anymore.  Besides that, the argument that sex is a natural act while marriage is just another invention is quite a compelling one that could take some time to sort out.  Anyway, if you want to be technical you can go you your dictionary and look up "cheating" but don't expect to find anything useful there.  With such a broad range of possible, yet valid, definitions it stands to reason that he has no way of knowing that his girlfriend would draw the line at penetration unless they'd discussed the topic first, right? 

Yeah, but it's not gonna go down like that.  If they haven't discussed it then the first time he cheats on her is kinda like a gimme because he didn't know better. 

Ah yes, that ages old quip: It's better to ask forgiveness than permission.  I love that line.  In a get-it-done-at-all-costs scenario there's no question it's the right way of thinking but how often do we really, really find ourselves in that kind of predicament?  This isn't about life or death, it's about getting your feels.  When the action is the single most important thing then you're clearly better off doing it than filing a request for permission; but when the consequences to the action, in this case hurting someone important to you, outweighs the action itself then I'd advise carefully considering the cost of admission.

Yeah but none of that applies unless you get caught.  And if 'the cost of admission' really is worth taking your chances then what?

Then do your thing.  Whatever your thing may be, do your thing…  'cause above all else, you gotta be you.


May 15, 2006 - Posted by | Relationships


  1. This is a really tough one…IMO, there is a standard knowledge that ‘penetration’ of any sort equals cheating. All other acts (thoughts, etc.), can be up to interpretation of the two parties, which should be discussed at the BEGINNING of a relationship.

    I really do believe in the quote “It’s better to ask permission than forgiveness”, but we, as imperfect human beings, are prone to act based on the opposite (forgiveness than permission).

    Interesting topic, Nukey!

    Comment by Poca | May 15, 2006 | Reply

  2. I guess because to forgive is divine, but to permit is naive? 😉

    Comment by barber | May 15, 2006 | Reply

  3. There are so many different levels of “cheating”. I think more like a polyamorist so my definition of cheating is just: anything my partner does sexually or emotionally with another person where he/she doesn’t want to include me. So, I guess it’s cheating if I’m not there to witness it and/or if my partner doesn’t want to tell me about the experience or wants to actively hide it from me. I guess that makes me a voyeur. ;p

    Comment by roastporkbun | February 10, 2015 | Reply

  4. Oh, this is Cammy, btw!

    Comment by roastporkbun | February 10, 2015 | Reply

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