EB: Giving ’em the business!

Brain dumps from the original Bonehead.

Happy Turkey Day!

There’s something very counter-culture-cool about that isn’t there?  “Turkey Day”.  It says I’m hip, I’m cool, I’m not stiff and boring like my parents or my old schoolmarm.  It’s something that happened around the time little kids started wanting to be Wolverine instead of Superman. 

Superman???  What about Thor!!

Whatever… you get the idea.  I guess alot of things lose their meanings over time and holidays are not immune to this phenomenon.  But then, sometimes, something special happens that just reminds you what it’s all supposed to be about. 

On Thanksgiving day this year one of my neighbors dropped by unexpectedly.  I met him about a month or so ago in the aftermath of Hurricane Wilma when everyone in my community met and banded together to support each other through a rough time.  While watching the Annual Detroit Lions Pounding that takes place on Thanksgiving day every year, he came knocking to see if I’d eaten.  Within minutes he returned with “a nice, homecooked Puerto Rican meal” for me. 

I wasn’t hungry when he came by AND I already had food but none of that mattered.  What was striking was that a relative stranger saw fit to give selflessly to me and, for the spirit of his good-natured gift, I was thankful.  Happy Thanksgiving.

-E

November 26, 2005 Posted by | Random Ramblings | 2 Comments

Mountains and molehills.

You gotta be kidding me.  You’re going to write an entire entry about…

No, but thanks.  I’m going to get right to the point – there’s alot of different qualities a person can have that will really piss me off.  One of them is when they overreact, freak out, meltdown, have a hissy fit, make a nuclear bomb out of a firecracker… whatever.  I reeeally hate that.

The first thing I’d ask if somebody said this to me is “So???  What do you care if the next man loses his shit over something insignificant?”  The best way I can explain it is this: It messes with my equilibrium.  I see it as the equivalent of someone headbanging at a Celine Dion concert.  For me it’s very important that I maintain my cool until I’ve got a damn good reason to lose it; when someone near me starts hyperventilating I’m supposed to assume they’ve got a good reason to do so.  In short, Henny Penny should’ve bitchslapped that Little brat. 

 As a troubleshooter I’ve seen stuff like this pretty often where somebody in a state of pure panic will come to see me because “the black hand of Death itself has engulfed their computer” when, in actuality, they just never turned on their monitor.  That’s really not such a big deal because even today there are still alot of people that are not very tech-savvy so you gotta let that slide… it’s just a lack of exposure.  What’s far more troubling is someone crying that the sky is falling because of a slight drizzle.

To illustrate the point, once upon a time while taking a highway exit at 75mph my brakes failed – I didn’t panic there but I doubt many people would blame me for doing so if I had.  There are plenty of urgency levels that exist between comatose and ‘my-ass-is-on-fire’ and I’m sure you can find an appropriate one for most situations if you look hard enough.   

-E 

November 21, 2005 Posted by | Random Ramblings | 1 Comment

When did Small become extinct?

The other day I was having a late dinner with a couple friends at the food court in a local shopping mall.  It’s a typical food court, hundreds of seats and tables in a wide open area surrounded by a wide variety of both traditional and makeshift fast food vendors.  Since these friends are also co-workers we’ve got the common element we need to get a nice healthy Bitch Session going and sustain it for hours if we really feel like it.  And nearby where we sat to eat is some French-sounding place that looks like just another bread shop. 

While casually glancing about to take in all of what’s around me I keep finding my attention drawn to the bread shop.  A sign reading: Le Bon Café displayed a list of their coffee selections available in Tall, Grande and Xtra Grande.  I also noticed their Starbuck-ian prices such as the five bucks they were charging for an X-Grande cappuccino.  Suddenly I got that old feeling again and I knew I’d end up back here at the Barber Shop to let it fly.

Now, I’m not going to go off on Starbucks.  It’s been done to death and quite frankly, it’s largely hypocritical.  Even the many of us within the Coffee Circle who do bitch about Starbucks can tell you which of their blended drinks is our favorite – so I’m not going to go there.

Oh boy.  He doesn’t want to get off on a rant here but…

What really pisses me off is the marketing engine that makes it all possible.  The marketing engine that allows some jackoff to “engineer” a hollow plastic loop with a fun paint scheme and maybe some rock salt for sound effects and now he’s a damn gazillionaire.  The marketing engine that made the Ford Excursion seem like a worthwhile idea.  The marketing engine that says even Eskimos need ice water and if you properly position and present the product you can be the one to sell it to them!  The marketing engine that somehow made it ok for DMX to star in more martial arts movies than Brandon Lee did! 

The marketing engine that says making money is good but making more money is better and there’s only so much that people will pay for a “small” sized anything; so, if you call your 10-ounce cup Tall instead of Small you can get away with charging an extra $1.15 per cup for the same amount of product.  Call it salesmanship or marketing or product inventory optimization or whatever you want to call it but I’ll still think it’s dirty.

Just before departing the food court, and feeling thoroughly fired up about all of these thoughts racing through my mind, I remembered that I needed a another beverage so I could take a pill.  I stopped at the last spot in the food court and paid $2.48 for a one-dollar bottle of Snapple.  Let the self-loathing begin…

-E

November 7, 2005 Posted by | Random Ramblings | Leave a comment

Getting Carjacked.

Ok, so I’m in my car but I’m not really driving it.  I mean, I am but I’ve got this nutjob of a passenger beside me and he’s driving too… sort of.  He keeps reaching over and grabbing the wheel or stomping on top of my foot on the gas.  And he screams too!  Like a rebel yell or something – he’s just having a grand ol’ time over there and scaring the crap out of me.

Most days I do a pretty good job of piloting the vehicle: we go where we’re supposed to go and we avoid collisions and all that good stuff.  Some days he gets that look in his eyes and next thing I know, we’re nearly splattered along the roadside! 

Ah quit yer bitchin’, you know you like it!  I’m fun, dammit!

Uh yeah… that.  So anyway, as if that wasn’t annoying enough, this prick has the nerve to mess with the radio and the A/C, he keeps adjusting his seat back and forth and playing with the windows.  On top of all that he keeps shouting obscenities and encouraging me to give people The Finger in passing.  How the hell am I supposed to concentrate with all this??

As much as I’d love to toss this loser out I just can’t seem to do it.  Every time I turn to face him he just looks so much like me that I can’t handle it.

-E

September 21, 2005 Posted by | Random Ramblings | 2 Comments

Truth Serum.

Ok – so last night I’m watching a Seinfeld rerun where George is dating this girl with a big nose.  Of course whenever anything bugs one of the main characters on the show it gets exaggerated greatly; which, when you think about it, is pretty much true-to-life.  Most of the time anything that bothers anybody isn’t nearly as big of a deal to onlookers.

So as the show is going on I could swear this girl’s nose is getting bigger!  And they keep doing these microscope close-ups to really dramatize the point.  So anyway, while Jerry, George, and Elaine are being all polite and what not, Kramer walks in and just goes off.  He vocalized what the other characters were thinking and what the viewers were manipulated into thinking… 

Cripes!!  That’s a big fuckin’ nose!

She’s eventually talked into getting a nose job.  The job gets botched and she ends up looking so horrid that the cameras won’t show her face, just the wretched expressions as each other character faces her.  Once again everyone is being courteous of her feelings until Kramer happens by and flatly tells her “You got butchered!”

The show ends with her getting a well done nose job and feeling good about it and ultimately dating Kramer instead of George.  But this is all fiction.  In real life a great majority of people won’t say what they really think; especially if it puts someone else’s feelings at risk.  We even have a word for it: tact.  It’s a whole skill about not stomping on peoples feelings but not necessarily being full of shit either.  What Kramer did was overwhelmingly honest, but tactless.  Tactless is bad, right? 

Right?

My home has changed quite a bit since I moved in.  Once upon a time if you said something hurtful you were a jerk and if you did something to hurt yourself you were a dumbass.  Now if you say something hurtful you’ve got issues and if I allow you to do something stupid and hurt yourself we’re maladjusted; and in each case we’ll all wind up in therapy. 

Ain’t it grand?

-E

September 14, 2005 Posted by | Random Ramblings | Leave a comment

Welcome to the Barber Shop?

“Barber Shop”? I get it!! HAHAHA E, you’re so witty.

*ahem*

I used to write a blog once upon a time – some would say a damn good one too!  Alot’s changed since then.  Back then you had to log into your unix account and write your ishh using emacs or vi, save it as something-or-other.htm, make sure the file was in the right folder and your permissions were set proper.  Then again, back then ladies curtsied when a gentlemen bowed; and starting up the motor in your automobile required standing in front of it and turning the crank a few times. 

behold as E demonstrates his flair for exaggeration

So what happened?  Why did I bring my old crusty ass back?  Because my job pisses me off and dammit your lawn’s got some really green grass on it.  Because my PS2 and I are taking a time out to see other people.  Wait… no, it’s because every journey begins with a single step(?!?!) and I don’t know where I’m going but I know I can’t stay where I am now.  I’ve got to move.  Gotta go…. somewhere?

Maybe, if it turns out to be somewhere interesting, you’ll come along and share the ride.  Or, in the immortal words of Judy Blume, then again maybe you won’t?

-E

September 12, 2005 Posted by | Random Ramblings | 2 Comments