EB: Giving ’em the business!

Brain dumps from the original Bonehead.

Hi! Can I Help You Find Something?

For awhile now some of the traffic that’s been coming to visit here has been netsurfers: somebody out there just riding the search engines and looking for something.  From time to time I’ll see a visitor and the search term they were looking for and just wonder ‘how the hell did they get here‘; but other times it just seems to make sense.  Today I had one of each:

Women givin other men head:
I’ve been thinking really hard about this one and I’m not sure how it happened.  I know it’s highly unlikely but have I written something about blowjobs that I just forgot about??

Definition giving someone “the business”:
Ah yes, an easy one!  “Giving him the business” is an expression I snatched out of pro football history.  Back in 1986 during a game between the New York Jets and the Buffalo Bills someone committed a rare kind of violent foul.  The interesting twist here was that in a sport heralded for it’s harsh physicality, this play involved Buffalo’s quarterback!  Of the dozens of different positions one can play in this game only three are granted any kind of significant protection by the rules of the game and quarterback is one of them.

It would have been the sweetest of irony if the quarterback, Jim Kelly, had been the one commiting the foul but poor Jim was on the receiving end.  After being sacked (tackled to the ground),Marty Lyons, the Jets player, began repeatedly punching Jim in the head!  Although it’s clearly against the rules there is no specific entry in the rulebook against “kicking that guy’s ass”, so the presiding referee expressed himself in the best way he knew how.  He clicked on his mic and told the crowd this:

“Number 99 of the defense, after tackling the quarterback, was giving him the business down there!”

Hilarious.  The line immediately became part of National Football League history.  Why would I choose that for the name of the site?  Because all in that one moment you have a curious, awkward, but funny mixture; one guy got mad (Lyons), one guy got hurt (Kelly), one guy was left utterly speechless (Dreith, the referee), but true to the old adage humor was in the eyes of the beholders.

-E

Correction: As pointed out by a visitor in the comments area, my reference was a bit off.  Marty Lyons wore number 93, not 99 as posted in the quotation I looked up.  Number 99 was “the New York Sack Exchange”, aka Mark Gastineau. 

May 23, 2006 Posted by | Random Ramblings, Sports | 12 Comments

Taekwondo Advice? Sure, I can do that.

This one is going to be a weird one but I feel like I gotta do it.  A few days ago somebody surfed into this site from a search engine, which isn't all that strange, but what is odd is the search term that brought them here: "Taekwondo sparring a taller faster opp".  See?  Weird – but what the hell, let's try to turn this into an advice column for a little while shall we?

I've always had decent speed but believe me I've got plenty of experience running up against guys that were bigger or faster or whatever and a good strategy will take you a long way. 

You can't be serious.  You want somebody that's getting whipkicked upside the head to employ strategy?

Abso-fucking-lutely.  If you can't win on athleticism you don't have many choices left!  Since you're already the smaller fighter you use that to your advantage and you "make yourself smaller" by tighting up your stance and crouching just a bit; staying low means their hands have to come down a little bit further to get you and staying tight means you won't give them many kicking targets. 

Here's the tricky part: you want to combine this tight crouch with a counterfighting mentality – lots of leading and lateral movement.  A bigger fighter will likely have a longer range than you and I understand that longer range plus more speed can equal bad news for anybody.  Preparation is a great equalizer: as they approach their striking range you give them a target and be ready to defend.  With some good lateral movement, not only can you potentially make your opponent miss but you can also leave them off-balance or at the very least leave them poorly positioned to defend themselves.

Expect to get hit!  Faster fighter with longer range is bad, bad news and let's be realistic here.  Just try not to get caught flush and don't be afraid, yeah it might hurt but it won't kill you and since it doesn't you just keep fighting through.

Hey!  Smart guy!  Can they call you when they go out with your advice and…

Win?  Sure, but I'm not done.  There's one last critical piece that I think will help: in-fighting.  You typically don't see a whole lot of elbows and knees in TKD schools so that stuff will be dependent on what your school does and doesn't allow.  If you can't go there then try to make your shorter limbs into an advantage.  Once you get inside your opponent's range you stay there!  You want to crowd them because in a striking environment those long limbs can become a liability.  Shorten up your punches into hooks and uppercuts and, if you can swing it, maybe throw in a few push/kick combinations just to mix it up; but make sure you rush right back in so you're back inside their effective striking range again!

This is what worked for me but that doesn't automatically mean it will work for you or anybody else – this is all very dynamic and there's lots of variables to consider.  Whatever gameplan you decide to employ, if you can remember it AND stave off the natural inclination to panic once you start taking jabs and roundhouse kicks up and down your grille, you'll stand a much better shot of winning your match!  Good luck!

So… how'd I do?  😉

 -E

March 29, 2006 Posted by | Sports | 4 Comments

Vince Young versus the Wonderlic.

Not a big football fan?  Don’t sweat it – this one should still make sense.  Ok, check this out… this guy Vince Young is the one of the next upcoming superstar quarterbacks.  He was the MVP of this years college football national championship, yadda yadda yadda.  The guy can run, he can throw, he can improvise and, bottom line, he can flat out play football. 

Next comes the NFL Combine; it’s the “interview process” that college football players have to go through before they can get signed to their multi-million dollar pro contracts; they’re measured and tested in every imaginable way, strength, speed, a variety of agility drills and even a modified SAT/IQ test called The Wonderlic.  It’s a 50-question, multiple choice test WITH difficulty levels varying from very simple to very complex.  There is the now-infamous:

The ninth month of the year is: 1) October  2) January  3) June  4) September  5) May

But others are much more difficult such as:

In printing an article of 48,000 words, a printer decides to use two sizes of type. Using the larger type, a printed page contains 1,800 words. Using smaller type, a page contains 2,400 words. The article is allotted 21 full pages in a magazine. How many pages must be in smaller type?

Fantastically complicated?  No, not hardly.  But how many intelligent adults do each of us know that would have difficulty solving an algebraic equation with two variables?  Ok, so the Wonderlic is no pushover but let’s not oversimplify either… a score of 6 would make him just barely smarter than your shoes. 

Ouch.  ‘Cause, you know… that’s like… damn.

Now here’s the kicker – unlike a player’s 40-yard-dash time or how many times they can bench press 225lbs under John Lott’s expert motivation; a player’s Wonderlic score is supposed to be private.  How did it leak out that our boy Vince scored a six in the first place?  And just in case you’re thinking it, put the Race Card back in your pocket: all it takes is a quick Google search to find a website where you can look up over a hundred different quarterback’s Wonderlic scores!

There’s three young quarterbacks I’d like to draw your attention to – J.T. O’Sullivan, Wes Pate, and Zak Kustok that each scored a 35 (means they’re probably pretty damn smart) on this test.  Ever hear of any of these guys?  How about Steve McNair, Dan Marino and Terry Bradshaw?  Probably heard of them because they’re arguably some of the best to play that position.  Each of them scored a 15 (means they’re… well… y’know) on the test!  So, this Wonderlic is clearly no indicator of success in the professional ranks.  If it’s not a clear indicator of success or failure, and it’s supposed to be confidential anyway, then why did the information come out at all and why the hell does anybody care??

Anyone?

-E

March 10, 2006 Posted by | Observations, Sports | 1 Comment

Going Too Far?

Super Bowl XL was played last night between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Seattle Seahawks.  Since my favorite team wasn’t playing I really didn’t care who won; the upside for me was that I could watch the game and enjoy it just for being football without “rooting” for anyone.

Anyway, after Pittsburgh had won the game’s Most Valuabe Player award was given to a player named Hines Ward – one of the top wide receivers in pro football today.  During a post-game interview, after winning the national championship and being named the MVP of the winning team, Hines began to beat himself up a bit over a mistake that he made early in the game!  Granted it was a big mistake; it was the kind of screw up that, in a closer game, could have meant the difference between winning and losing… but not last night.

Last night he played in the single biggest game in one of the nation’s biggest sports and played well enough to be awarded the game’s top honor, in route to reaching the pinnacle of excellence for his profession and instead of unabated euphoria he still had a complaint about a slightly less-than-perfect performance on the field.

If this goes where I think it’s going to go, man you need some serious therapy!

Actually, it’s not.  If the man said he was studying film or training on his day off I’d applaude his focus; once you begin to feel ambition burning you up from the inside out it just changes you.  However, this isn’t the same kind of job that the rest of us have!  For pro football players there’s a season that ends and then it begins again – there’s a part where the job is done and that’s that.  Even for the most driven of players there’s a window of downtime before the Type A folk begin their pre-preseason workouts.

The feeling of accomplishment after a job well done can bring an extraordinary rush but if you don’t take a moment to let that rush sink in the accomplishment of task loses some of it’s flavor.  Even if the task is a means to an end, just a smaller step in a larger task, a moment’s appreciation can go a long way. 

It’s great to keep the fire burning but every fire needs to breathe.  Take a moment to enjoy it, Hines.  You earned it. 

-E

 

Go Raiders!!

February 7, 2006 Posted by | Sports | 3 Comments